pyrephox | (no subject)

The happy gaming buzz has worn off. Now, I just feel rather alone, and kind of useless. More than kind of useless, truth be told. I'm one of those people who is happiest when they have a task to be accomplishing. Right now, I don't really have much that I can work directly on, especially that's non-gaming stuff.

Mostly, though, I feel alone. Not lonely, exactly. I've always managed to entertain myself rather well. But alone. Reminded in a thousand subtle ways that I don't really have anyone to turn to and share a joke with, or to talk about things in the dark of night when everyone else has gone to sleep. There's no one to offer a backrub to, or complain to when I accidently slam my hand into the desk for the five-hundreth time. There's no one who even notices that I have a habit of accidentally slamming my hand into the desk when I'm singing along to WinAmp and not paying attention.

I like to take walks. I like to walk around in the early morning, just before dawn, and watch the darkness turn into the light. I like the world when it's quiet and still, but I also like it when I can help but grin, because some hapless neighbor thought it was safe to retrieve the paper in their underwear just as I walked by. It would be nice to be able to occassionaly share that smile with someone walking beside me.

It's entirely possible that I'm hanging out with too many in-relationship people, these days. Most of my close friends have married, and mostly do couple stuff. And while I'm happy for them, it can be awkward to be on the outside of that. It's not necessarily that I want them to stop it, or that I want them to include me--some things you just can't be included in--it's just that it's awkward. I don't know quite where to put my eyes, and I just want to sidle off and come back later. And, of course, it reminds me that I don't have anyone to make eyes at or just...I don't know. It's a couple thing. Even when they're not next to each other, it's like they're aware of each other. Their bodies just sort of bend into complimentary space. I admire that, and feel wistful about it, too.

On the other hand, of course, finding, creating, and maintaining a relationship is work. It requires resources, and right now, even if I were offered one, I don't think that I could honorably accept. I just don't have anything to contribute. I'm pretty much a human leech right now, and although I'm working on that, it remains the state of affairs in the kingdom of Me. So I really shouldn't worry at all about it, and just be glad that I have several, very nifty, friends. :)

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It kind of boggles my mind to hear you say these things.. you strike me as the most popular and well-liked person I know. I can understand the part about wanting a relationship, though.

Not really much advice I can give you about face-to-face friends. I'd be happy if I had one or two close online friends.. heh.

I am not unfamiliar, however, with the idea of feeling that one must 'earn' the right to have a relationship by doing certain things first. I've had that same problem myself, and it's stood in the way of my finding one. I'd suggest, in that respect, that you use that empirical mind of yours (*grin*) to analyze whether the things you think you should do would really be necessary; whether and in what way they would contribute to making a relationship actually better. Then you can sift out which things would actually be useful to do, and which are just unnecessary perfectionism.. 'proving yourself worthy' and the like.

Plus, even if you find that certain specific changes in your life would be useful, remember that you can start finding a relationship even while you are still working at them. Getting into a relationship is a long-term process; sometimes people take years to prepare before they finally reach the stage of actually moving together or getting married. It might be more efficient to start the 'finding' process at the same time as the 'preparing' one, so they can run in parallel.

Another factor.. if you actually have someone in your life, you have support for all the things you are trying to do, and that makes it even more helpful and efficient.

Everyone feels alone, sometime. And online relationships, although I value the friends I've met here quite highly, are simply not the same as relationships in the local area. It loses some of the richness and flexibility...it's not possible to have most of my online friends just call up and suggest we get together and watch a movie, or set up a Settlers game, or something like that. In a way, I think that's part of the downside of online communication. It widens our area of contacts beyond our capacity to sustain them. So we end up with lots of people we like, but few who ever see us in any circumstances but the most favorable.

As far as the other, those are valid observations.

I hope you aren't offended by my long-winded advice. I just wouldn't want to see you giving up the chance to have a relationship, when it comes your way. Seize the day, y'know? Good luck to you. :)

No, not offended at all. :) Thank you, and I wish you well in your searches, too.