(no subject)

[pyrephox]

This is one of those days when I haven't said much at all. It happens that way, sometimes. I've gone two or three days without saying a word beyond 'hello' or 'yes' or 'no' to other people. It never bothers me all that much, but I feel, somehow, that it should bother me. More so lately, though. My counselor asked me a while ago, "Who is it that supports you when you're feeling bad? Gives you a hug, tells you things are going to work out, or is just there for you?" I didn't really have an answer for her, and I still don't. Emotionally, I pretty much do for myself. Part of me is proud of that...you can't really count on anyone else to be there for you, and I don't mean that in a mean way. It's just that everyone has their own pain, their own problems. Most people never notice when other people are hurting, because they're hurting, themselves. So it's better if you can support yourself when you hurt. On the other hand, I guess it would be nice to not have to.

I guess, sometimes, it's not so much that I'm lonely. It's more that I'm alone, and I worry that I'm so comfortable and used to being alone, that I'll never make a real effort to be anything but. I wonder if I'm so used to being on the outside, looking in, that I'm not making the effort to reach for things that would be valuable and joyful to me, not out of a real fear of rejection, or out of ethical or practical considerations, but simply because a part of me doesn't want to disturb the status quo. Or, at least, doesn't want to initiate such a change.

Bleh. Useless rambling. I'm in Baldur's Gate, have 10 days to live, and promised to steal stuff from a temple. Let's hit it.

Comments

[cythraul.livejournal.com]

Having the cool people spread all over the planet really sucks. [hugs]

[pyrephox.livejournal.com]

*chuckles* Well, it is true that Columbia is a bit short on cool people, and whenever I meet one, they move to another state. Hmmm, maybe we need a Cool People Preserve, or something.

[cythraul.livejournal.com]

[scritchies] It's not even the Columbia in my country, either. :\

[pyrephox.livejournal.com]

*prrrs* Alas, no. Although I've always wanted to visit there. :)

[prodigal.livejournal.com]

I guess, sometimes, it's not so much that I'm lonely. It's more that I'm alone, and I worry that I'm so comfortable and used to being alone, that I'll never make a real effort to be anything but. I wonder if I'm so used to being on the outside, looking in, that I'm not making the effort to reach for things that would be valuable and joyful to me, not out of a real fear of rejection, or out of ethical or practical considerations, but simply because a part of me doesn't want to disturb the status quo. Or, at least, doesn't want to initiate such a change.

I know exactly what you mean - and as it happens, I was thinking along those same lines earlier today.

There's a comfort in the familiar, even if what you're familiar with isn't ultimately good for you. Best of luck to us both in becoming uncomfortable and unfamiliar, if you catch my drift.

[pyrephox.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes that's exactly it. :) It's easier to take the occassional sadness/emptiness of being alone, rather than taking a risk and having bits of you shredded and sent back in a gift-wrapped box.

But yeah, eventually you have to risk something, or nothing ever changes. *hugs* It's nice to know that someone gets it. :)