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Marriage.
In his journal, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cpip asked, "...what possible reason DO I have to get married, anyway? I mean, at all?"
Obviously, I can't answer that for him or anyone else, which is why this is in my journal and not as a comment to his. However, it made me start thinking about it, for myself. I, like him, have no religious impulse to marry. My father has been married and divorced four times, with varying levels of acrimony and two children, and my mother was married twice. The second marriage, while it did not end in divorce, was not the kind of relationship I'd ever find would suit me. So, my question looking back over it, is: Why /don't/ I feel marriage is worthless, or at least more trouble than it's worth?
In the end, I can only say...I find it valuable as a personal statement of committment. It's less that society values marriage, and more that, at a certain point, /I/ want to say, "I'm going to stay here, with you, and work on this thing." It's not saying, "This is the best it's going to get," because I know enough about human development to know that there are a lot of people out there who fit us in various ways, to various degrees. There might always be someone out there who is better for us. And it's not resignation, at least, I hope it wouldn't be. But it is saying, "This is good. This is worth sacrificing a little to preserve." It's rejoicing in what is good, in a relationship that I think really /can/ last 'until death do us part', and that I want to do everything within my power to help succeed. And part of what's in my power is to tell the other person, "I'm happy here with you, and I'm willing to work to see that we both stay happy for a long time."
The argument that marriages fail doesn't mean much to me. There is no such thing as a truly binding oath, anywhere. That doesn't make an oath less valuable, it just means that it's not going to be enforced from On High, and we can only depend on our own senses of honor and trust to make it work. I'm okay with that. It means that I don't intend to /make/ that promise until I'm fairly sure that I can keep it, but when I do, the fact that other people have failed just doesn't apply.
cpip asked, "...what possible reason DO I have to get married, anyway? I mean, at all?"Obviously, I can't answer that for him or anyone else, which is why this is in my journal and not as a comment to his. However, it made me start thinking about it, for myself. I, like him, have no religious impulse to marry. My father has been married and divorced four times, with varying levels of acrimony and two children, and my mother was married twice. The second marriage, while it did not end in divorce, was not the kind of relationship I'd ever find would suit me. So, my question looking back over it, is: Why /don't/ I feel marriage is worthless, or at least more trouble than it's worth?
In the end, I can only say...I find it valuable as a personal statement of committment. It's less that society values marriage, and more that, at a certain point, /I/ want to say, "I'm going to stay here, with you, and work on this thing." It's not saying, "This is the best it's going to get," because I know enough about human development to know that there are a lot of people out there who fit us in various ways, to various degrees. There might always be someone out there who is better for us. And it's not resignation, at least, I hope it wouldn't be. But it is saying, "This is good. This is worth sacrificing a little to preserve." It's rejoicing in what is good, in a relationship that I think really /can/ last 'until death do us part', and that I want to do everything within my power to help succeed. And part of what's in my power is to tell the other person, "I'm happy here with you, and I'm willing to work to see that we both stay happy for a long time."
The argument that marriages fail doesn't mean much to me. There is no such thing as a truly binding oath, anywhere. That doesn't make an oath less valuable, it just means that it's not going to be enforced from On High, and we can only depend on our own senses of honor and trust to make it work. I'm okay with that. It means that I don't intend to /make/ that promise until I'm fairly sure that I can keep it, but when I do, the fact that other people have failed just doesn't apply.
no subject
I read recently that when the institution of the nuclear family was forming in Europe, back in the medieval period, the rates of remarriage were not that different from what they are today, even with the almost complete absence of divorce. This was mostly because life expectancies were so low - a young person getting married for the first time could expect a reasonable chance that he or she would one day lose a loved one and then remarry.
People got by then, and they get by now. Better to choose wisely and work hard at it, and not need a divorce. Still, the fact of divorce today shouldn't make any more difference to our personal commitment than the certainty of loss did then.