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Co-opting the Discussion.
I've been thinking for a bit about the tendency of some men in discussions about the difficulties women face to 'take over' the discussion, or 'turn it around' and make it about men's issues and problems. First of all, this is REALLY annoying, so my first thoughts were pretty much, "Grr. Stop doing that."
However, being of a psychologist's bent, I'm fascinated enough by thought patterns that I wanted to really think about why this happens. It is the easy answer to say, "They do it because they're uncomfortable with the discussion being about women's issues, and refocus it on men as an unconscious expression of male privilege." And, yeah, I suspect that quite often, there's a lot of that in play. However, I wonder if there aren't other issues coming in, as well, particularly when we see this happening with men who are, on the whole, allies to feminist ideas.
I suspect that there's a step-ladder of consciousness raising in male feminism (and take everything further with the caveat that I ain't a guy). First is the idea that women are not treated equally in blatant ways (rape, shut out of jobs, assaulted and insulted, etc.) and that this is wrong. This tends to be a pretty basic understanding, but it can still be a revelation if you came from a certain kind of background. Second is the idea that there are inherent, systemic issues that shape the way we discriminate people based on sex...and that these affect men adversely as well. This is when the male feminist starts to realize that gender roles don't just oppress and limit women, but men as well. Not just his mother, girlfriend, sister, daughter, or friend, but /him/. This is a necessary awakening, I think, for a full understanding of and advocacy against gender discrimination.
However, I also suspect that there's a time period, varying by person, where some people get stuck there. They start seeing every issue regarding feminist ideals by how it also affects men, and thus their own lives. To be charitable, this is a way to internalize the damage that is done, and an attempt to relate to their female allies suffering through a shared experience. And, for men in the stages of awakening gender consciousness, there can be a tremendous urge to share how the status quo affects them: how it feels to know that their female friends probably, at some point, wondered (if only for a moment) if they could be a rapist. How it feels to be mocked for showing too much emotion, or the role-inappropriate emotion. How the rape of males is downplayed, or even a source of humor. And all the ways that, yes, our current gender inequality hurts men as well as women.
Unfortunately, it's the /third/ level of consciousness where a male feminist tends to realize that there are times and places for those discussions, but the varying social context behind the silencing or coopting of women's concerns means that what might have consciously be meant as an attempt to relate and support ends up being a dismissal or downplaying action. (Of course, if someone doesn't get this after having it calmly explained, or insists that it might be like that when Those Guys do it, but not when HE does it, then there's a bigger problem than delayed growth). In the third level, male feminists understand that women need a place to talk about women's issues...because all too often, everything else in the world ends up being about men's issues, whether it started out that way or not.
And, then, somewhere in here is the progression between understanding that pointing out that an action, culture or subculture has a strong, female-hostile streak is not necessarily a condemnation of individual members of that culture, but rather of systemic properties of the cultural norms that make it more likely for women to be made to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome...and thus, protestations of How You're Not Like That and kneejerk defense of the good intentions of members of the subculture are pretty much less than useless. Because, quite often, sexism (racism/classism/and other forms of unwarranted discrimination) isn't about what you do deliberately and with malice aforethought...but what you fall back on when you're /not/ thinking.
However, being of a psychologist's bent, I'm fascinated enough by thought patterns that I wanted to really think about why this happens. It is the easy answer to say, "They do it because they're uncomfortable with the discussion being about women's issues, and refocus it on men as an unconscious expression of male privilege." And, yeah, I suspect that quite often, there's a lot of that in play. However, I wonder if there aren't other issues coming in, as well, particularly when we see this happening with men who are, on the whole, allies to feminist ideas.
I suspect that there's a step-ladder of consciousness raising in male feminism (and take everything further with the caveat that I ain't a guy). First is the idea that women are not treated equally in blatant ways (rape, shut out of jobs, assaulted and insulted, etc.) and that this is wrong. This tends to be a pretty basic understanding, but it can still be a revelation if you came from a certain kind of background. Second is the idea that there are inherent, systemic issues that shape the way we discriminate people based on sex...and that these affect men adversely as well. This is when the male feminist starts to realize that gender roles don't just oppress and limit women, but men as well. Not just his mother, girlfriend, sister, daughter, or friend, but /him/. This is a necessary awakening, I think, for a full understanding of and advocacy against gender discrimination.
However, I also suspect that there's a time period, varying by person, where some people get stuck there. They start seeing every issue regarding feminist ideals by how it also affects men, and thus their own lives. To be charitable, this is a way to internalize the damage that is done, and an attempt to relate to their female allies suffering through a shared experience. And, for men in the stages of awakening gender consciousness, there can be a tremendous urge to share how the status quo affects them: how it feels to know that their female friends probably, at some point, wondered (if only for a moment) if they could be a rapist. How it feels to be mocked for showing too much emotion, or the role-inappropriate emotion. How the rape of males is downplayed, or even a source of humor. And all the ways that, yes, our current gender inequality hurts men as well as women.
Unfortunately, it's the /third/ level of consciousness where a male feminist tends to realize that there are times and places for those discussions, but the varying social context behind the silencing or coopting of women's concerns means that what might have consciously be meant as an attempt to relate and support ends up being a dismissal or downplaying action. (Of course, if someone doesn't get this after having it calmly explained, or insists that it might be like that when Those Guys do it, but not when HE does it, then there's a bigger problem than delayed growth). In the third level, male feminists understand that women need a place to talk about women's issues...because all too often, everything else in the world ends up being about men's issues, whether it started out that way or not.
And, then, somewhere in here is the progression between understanding that pointing out that an action, culture or subculture has a strong, female-hostile streak is not necessarily a condemnation of individual members of that culture, but rather of systemic properties of the cultural norms that make it more likely for women to be made to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome...and thus, protestations of How You're Not Like That and kneejerk defense of the good intentions of members of the subculture are pretty much less than useless. Because, quite often, sexism (racism/classism/and other forms of unwarranted discrimination) isn't about what you do deliberately and with malice aforethought...but what you fall back on when you're /not/ thinking.
no subject
There are a lot of squeaky wheels around who are just so bloody angry that yes, being really quiet and self-examining is the safest thing to do. (Not all women, not all self-identifying feminists, think the same way; there are some very squeaky wheels who are way beyond what I think is reasonable, because they are just that hurt, angry, and/or scared.) There's probably a larger, quieter group who only occasionally get so angry that there's no good answer that doesn't involve "here is the controls to the death ray I built and put in orbit; shoot at anyone you want," and that group... I dunno. I think that's the group which wants sincerity and trying. Just identifying habits (physical or speech) and changing them to ones that aren't likely to be considered dangerous/diminishing/whatever, say, or adding new ones to try to change the environment around you...
Habit making and breaking -- as pyrephox says, "what you fall back on when you're /not/ thinking."
If that makes sense?
no subject
Of course, that's really the problem with humanity in general, is that words have only the meaning the listener assigns.
So if you know that invariably, SOMETHING is going to offend SOMEONE... it can be really, really tempting to quit trying to edit yourself to match the desires of the audience.
no subject
Sometimes, the best way to get out of a nasty conversation is a fast, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I'll be going now." Or, if you can't escape, "I'm sorry, I didn't say that right. I'll shut up now." (With the sincere tone and not the "halp, halp, I'm being oppressed!" one, of course!) If you make a habit of "lurking" in a conversation till you find out who's just Too Angry To Cut Anyone Slack, then you don't get bit.
And, yes, it's work. I fear that that the angry response is "so cry me a river." I don't know if verbal/social skills do come more easily to females or if they're socialized that way more intensely. (I'm having to give my socially dyslexic daughter really overt instruction in things like personal space, and other stuff that kids -- especially little girls -- are apparently supposed to get instinctively. Ha. Ha.)
You have the privilege that, if you feel that the work isn't worth what it might do in the rest of the world, you don't have to alter your communication strategies, or even think about them unless they're really outrageous. Me? I get to try to teach communication strategies to my kid, and wonder if her teacher'd be meebling about holding her back a grade if she were a boy, or if it'd be a "boys will be boys; they're just not as socially ept as girls" thing.
No way to tell. *sigh* But either way, I don't really have the luxury of failing to teach my kid how to communicate when those about her aren't willing to adapt to her. Which sucks, because I am an introvert and no social butterfly and at least half the social networking that women are supposed to do so easily... is no more understandable to me than Swahili. I'm crabby.