(no subject)

[pyrephox]

The happy gaming buzz has worn off. Now, I just feel rather alone, and kind of useless. More than kind of useless, truth be told. I'm one of those people who is happiest when they have a task to be accomplishing. Right now, I don't really have much that I can work directly on, especially that's non-gaming stuff.

Mostly, though, I feel alone. Not lonely, exactly. I've always managed to entertain myself rather well. But alone. Reminded in a thousand subtle ways that I don't really have anyone to turn to and share a joke with, or to talk about things in the dark of night when everyone else has gone to sleep. There's no one to offer a backrub to, or complain to when I accidently slam my hand into the desk for the five-hundreth time. There's no one who even notices that I have a habit of accidentally slamming my hand into the desk when I'm singing along to WinAmp and not paying attention.

I like to take walks. I like to walk around in the early morning, just before dawn, and watch the darkness turn into the light. I like the world when it's quiet and still, but I also like it when I can help but grin, because some hapless neighbor thought it was safe to retrieve the paper in their underwear just as I walked by. It would be nice to be able to occassionaly share that smile with someone walking beside me.

It's entirely possible that I'm hanging out with too many in-relationship people, these days. Most of my close friends have married, and mostly do couple stuff. And while I'm happy for them, it can be awkward to be on the outside of that. It's not necessarily that I want them to stop it, or that I want them to include me--some things you just can't be included in--it's just that it's awkward. I don't know quite where to put my eyes, and I just want to sidle off and come back later. And, of course, it reminds me that I don't have anyone to make eyes at or just...I don't know. It's a couple thing. Even when they're not next to each other, it's like they're aware of each other. Their bodies just sort of bend into complimentary space. I admire that, and feel wistful about it, too.

On the other hand, of course, finding, creating, and maintaining a relationship is work. It requires resources, and right now, even if I were offered one, I don't think that I could honorably accept. I just don't have anything to contribute. I'm pretty much a human leech right now, and although I'm working on that, it remains the state of affairs in the kingdom of Me. So I really shouldn't worry at all about it, and just be glad that I have several, very nifty, friends. :)

Comments

[pyrephox.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your concern, but I don't really need any help. :) I feel much better after getting a night's rest. It's just one of those periodic downswings in mood that happens. *hugs* All better now.